atreyu24

A thing that was

2008-07-30T00:42:17Z

Its so weird now...to think of me as being a way for so long. I guess Ang was right...I guess I have changed a lot. I look at old emails filled with old feelings...and its so hard to think of me feeling that way. I was so caught...so tethered. And I couldn't move or breathe...or see. And I see now.

Its scary...being here again. Alone with myself again... But...not in the way you think. Maybe scared isn't the right word... Apprehensive...Unsure...thats much better. And...excited.

Happy that its not over...that I didn't settle for something...just anything. I'm excited about the possibilities. About myself...what I can do and who I can be.

I'm much braver than I was before. Much smarter in a way I couldn't be...wasn't able to be.

I'm more than ok today. I'm lucky. My friends hold me up...drag me around, pretty much. And I don't know what I'd do without Ang and Mike and my Mom...

And even with everything going on and the dark clouds underneath my feet, I think everything's gonna be ok...

:)

2007-05-31T13:27:55Z

Today is a good day...I think. I feel sleepy...but content. People tell me sometimes that I'm pushy...that I push too hard to get what I want...and I know its true. And there are times that pushing is a bad idea...a lot of times, actually... But every now and then you gotta push...make your needs and wants known...and sometimes, just sometimes, when you want it bad enough, you get what you need.

I seem to attract people who are committment shy in all respects...friends, lovers, brothers, and fathers... So when I feel them backing away from me...I react badly...I knew this all along, I think, but really learned it last night. As a matter of fact, I didn't apply it to the situation I was in until last night...ha. Its nice to know that I was wrong...about this time...that I wasn't being left alone again...and that there will always be someone to hold my hand no matter my flaws and mistakes. Someone who can sift through the hurt and find what I really need... And someone who meets me in the middle more times than she ought have...

Sacrifices

2007-05-29T12:30:37Z

I'm not sure how I feel about Amanda...I can't help but pity her a little...and feel a little sad about her. And I thank god a little for the glimpse into what could have been my own life had I chosen another path years and years ago. The love she shares with her boyfriend of 12 years is enviable...and who's to say that had she followed her desires to their ultimate goal, that she would be any happier? I mean, don't we all long for what we don't have no matter where we may be? Isn't that just human nature? And its not fair to her...not fair to pity her when I saw a rather one sided view of her...a view none of us would like to be judged on.

Could I be that strong? Could I give up a biological and rooted part of me for love? More than that...could I do it for 12 years?? And then not regret... Ok, well I'm sure there's some regret there, hence the display Saturday night... But to stay true... I don't think I could do that... No, I know I couldn't.

I couldn't help but want to lead her away somewhere and show her what she could feel...not out of any strong sexual desire but just to open her eyes...but I'm sure this morning that I wouldn't have been doing her any favors. I mean, we all have our drunken bouts, right? We all have our moments of regret...but then we sober up, look around, and find that things are ok...really ok...and so what if we miss a thing or two? When all the other things around us fall into place...I mean, will the puzzle ever really be perfect? I don't think so... I don't think any of us can ever be 100% satisfied...and if we were...wouldn't that be boring, lol... So nevermind the few peices out of whack...remember the peices that hold strong...and if there's love...real strong true love...don't lose it for the missing peice....cause its never that important...

Regret

2007-01-29T21:23:47Z

Today...today I miss you.

atreyu24 @ 2006-12-15T15:58:00

2006-12-15T20:58:01Z

Hello Cookies. My, aren't you looking lovely today. Me? Well I'm alright I guess. Sort of a rough day really. But I don't want to burden you.
Hey Hersheys Mini's. No, no, really I'll get through.
Well...if you both really insist...
I drove home from work which is an hour away cause I forgot to leave a key at home...yeah, thats right, a key. Then I had to let some dogs out, feed them, clean up the kitchen, clean up fuzzball messes and monitor pooping. And listen to my screaming girlfriend who was very dissapointed that I brought the key along with me in the first place. Oh, and I have an exam today. Yeah, thats right. A philosophy final. So I read in the car. On the way to poopy puppies and on the way back to work. 2 hours round trip.
I stopped at home before I went back to work and picked up a cd i forgot. A CD for a friend. We're gonna dance this weekend...or I'm gonna teach her. And she's gonna make me dinner. And she was so looking forward to it... But now...I don't think she is. You see, she's got so much to do at work, and she seems to be under a lot of stress...and recently...I'm just not feelin the love I guess.
Well thats very kind of you both. What a nice compliment.
I'm not even sure she wants me to come and visit. Maybe this work thing is all a facade for not wanting me to hang out. But am I just being paranoid?? I'm often paranoid. And its almost proven fact that I jump to the wrong conclusion. I'm just worried I guess. I was really looking forward to this weekend. Hoping it would go really well... But maybe it wont. Maybe it'll be like all the other weekends that have ranked so low on my list recently... But hey. Thats life, right?

Whats that you say Hershey? Have a few of you? Well, you know, I really shouldn't and I hate to impose... You wont take no for an answer? Well...I suppose it would help...and Cookies...well, thats sweet of you to offer. If you, my two good friends, insist, then who am I to refuse?

I know...

2006-09-26T21:07:58Z

Why we've lost touch. Why our conversations crumble apart.

I know why I can't bring myself to write you anymore.

I wanna say tell you everything...

But I can't.

I wanna cry on your shoulder and feel your familiar comfort...but I'm afraid.

I know what my words will do. I know what my secrets will bear. I know what they mean. And I'm not ready to tell you. I'm not ready to tell myself.

But it hurts me to see you fade away. You were the long awaited dream...what we became. I can see you reaching...you who have always reached for me...even when you knew I would slap your hand back. But I can see you hesitate...see you slow...and I know one day...I wont see your hand anymore.

I always knew you would be there...eventually. What will I do when I let that wash away? And this time...this one time...its all my fault. Who can I ever say, was the one...the one who never left? Not really...

The truth...it means...it means I'm bad. And I don't want to admit that. On words...on paper...hard black lines that once written i can't erase...not with a backspace. But I can't watch you leave anymore. It hurts too much to push you away.

And she spoke to me the other night...she...in a haze...and made me make a promise i'd already broken...and i wanted to cry...out there on the dance floor...cause all i ever wanted to do was make her proud. The truth...i can't hurt her...but the truth is what everyone wants...

I guess I'm more like you than I once thought.

That Girl

2006-09-26T20:55:09Z

LoL...so okay. There's this girl in our group. This little tomboy, tattoo covered girl. And she's sweet. And endearing. And kind of charming. And maybe even a little cute, but thats sorta debateable.
What I'm just not getting is why everyone in our group chases after her like some lovestarved puppies?! Its hilarious! Her ex gf is still nuts about her. Her ex ex (and i do mean ex) who she was with for years, cheated on numerous times, and dated her along with other people, just can't wait to get back with her. And its a fucking joke! I feel like yelling out, "You ASSHOLE!! Whats wrong with you??! Why do insist on the repeated torture from someone who AINT THAT GREAT??!!!"
I take it as a personal insult. That women would be so stubbornly stupid. I might hit Maria (the ex ex) if she honestly didn't have the heartache coming to her. And oh, does she ever. The first time she met me, she hit on my fiance all night, and then she did the same thing to a friend of mine. She's lowdown, dirty, sneaky, and slutty. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel threatened by her. I know my fiance wouldn't do anything with her. As a matter of fact, shes told her to stop. Traci knows what kind of person Maria is.
And you know...I honestly don't think Maria is a bad person... She seems like shes always hurting for attention. And her ploys with other women, they're just a cry out for attention. And when you look at it that way, you feel sorta bad for her.
And you know, she seems smarter than what she lets Jenn do to her over and over. She SEEMS like she'd have a level head on her shoulders. And shes been through it so many times...how can she forgive her?
Its funny...and pathetic...and so sad. Cause Jenn doesn't deserve a one of them. And the people that do deserve attention, and love, and regard, are often the last people to get it...

Bought and Paid

2006-08-16T15:10:18Z

I saw a picture today. A picture of an old friend...who isn't anymore. And I was sad. Mad seems to have gone away. Betrayed...that will never completely desert me...but I don't feel angry anymore.

But I'm betting he does...and I'm betting we can't go back now. And I know that I'll never be the one to try.

When I saw the picture, I'm reminded of the friend he used to be. In high school, he tickled me in our prom picture and made me smile. He wrote me an email once filled entirely with "I'm Sorry" for some wrong I can't even remember. He took me places I never would have been able to go by myself. And he talked to me one night on a beach...and said words of comfort that I can never forget.

If I'd ever have been born a guy, I would have been him. He understood me...and he was my best friend. I wanted to be everything for him...

But time changed us so much. Time...places...we moved in different directions. And at first...it was an opportunity to learn other things. And later...it was a barrier. I didn't want to be where he was. I couldn't relate to what he was interested in anymore. We didn't talk. And when we did it was...strained...which was the most painful thing of all.

And it was that way for years. Moreso towards the end... But I've never been one to give up hope. I've never been one to leave...even when I should.

But then a "something" happened. And maybe I handled it clumsily. And I wanted nothing more than to ignore it and let it drift away. And maybe it was innocent...in a way... But not to me. And it was even more evidence that he and I could no longer relate...no longer understand one another if he couldn't understand this. He was waiting too.

Waiting for the old me to resurface. Thinking I was stronger then. But see...I'm stronger now...I spoke like i was strong then...but that was flaky crust covering goo. Now I'm harder on the inside.

I look at that picture...and I still wish. I wish we could go back to that place. Back to high school. Back to the ring that said forever. Back to Hillary's car, and blockbuster, and Goobers, and Assateague, and my house after a trip to foodlion. And fights over the controller. And spinnies. And Martha's playhouse. Getting high on old heater fumes. Warm, sparkeling eyes. And pinched smile. And half naked drunk.

I wish I could get back the closeness I felt...without having to say or do anything.

I wish I hadn't lost him years ago...